Chicago Shady Dealer

David Axelrod Stands in Door of IOP Office with Forlorn Look, Waits for Someone to Beg Him to Stay

Earlier this morning, a man who turned his brief professional relationship with Barak Obama into semi-successful political podcast career announced he would be stepping down as director of IOP. He assured three zealous undergrad interns that this change did not spell the end of his time at IOP. As put by his secretary, “He is moving from a corner office to a slightly smaller office eleven months from now. I cannot stress enough that it is not that deep.”

“In the interest of a smooth transition out of power, I am reducing my weekly time by 45 minutes every year. I anticipate I will be fully retired in 2037. It’s quite sad, but I need to make room for the next generation of political podcasters,” said a forlorn-looking Axelrod, standing outside of his office with a cardboard box containing a stapler and an Obama bobblehead.

When asked about the impending change, third-year political science major Marcella Chu commented, “He is going to squeeze out every drop of attention from his histrionics. He has been cleaning out his office one paperclip at a time and telling unsuspecting passerbys to not cry. It’s almost camp. Susan Sontag would be proud, I think. ”

Axelrod confessed, “I was kind of hoping someone would throw themselves at my feet and beg me to stay as director of IOP. I’ve thrown three semi-retirement parties with pizza and everything. No dice. Maybe I need to upgrade the catering and have my secretary put up streamers at the next one.”

(Photo Source: The Observer)

Drew Landrowski

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Director of Special Projects, 2019-20