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Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad
Neighbors estimate that Alvi caused §500 worth of property damage yesterday afternoon, roughly half the value of his entire house.
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“Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve
When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”
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Professor Allen Sanderson Makes Inspiring Debut at UChiCon
Sanderson also shocked attendees by taking home the grand prize of the Cosplay competition.
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“Perspective for Difficult Times”: An Oral History of UChicago’s Most Infamous Administrative Email
Three years ago today, admin sent an email entitled “Perspective for Difficult Times” into the university community’s inbox. Granted unprecedented access, we spoke to the people involved in creating the infamous email on…
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Self-Proclaimed World’s Tallest Man Just Matched with You on Tinder
Disappointed friends reported Monday that you’ve probably hit the high point of your Tinder career and it’s all downhill from here.
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Reg to Introduce Death Penalty for Overdue Books
Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a “state of the art automated weaponry system” installed at the building’s front…
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Area Parents Contemplating Eighth Divorce
The pending divorce proceedings are reportedly being handled by Looke, Hughes, Bach, and Egen, a Chicago-based law firm specializing in ‘high-numbered’ divorces.
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Nuclear Reactor Found in Rafters of Harper Memorial Library
Students studying for their midterms did not look up when warned “there’s a nuclear reactor,” only speaking up to respond that Harper Memorial Library is a no-talking zone, and would you please kindly…
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UChicago Startup Awarded Polsky Prize for ‘Best Middle-East Weapons Deal’
“They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”
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UChicago Researchers Invent Quantum Blockchain NFT A.I. Natural Language Processing
Dealer reporters found the project leads furiously consulting a thesaurus for more words to describe their ‘indescribably advanced’ breakthrough. At press time, the researchers had added “machine learning”, “crypto”, and “gigahertz” to their…
