On Sunday, a black bear wandered into the stacks and uncovered abandoned bags of Adderall, ravenously ingesting 95 kilograms.
When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City,” and “about 300 times the amount I snort on Mondays.”
The so-called “Adderall Bear” proceeded to hit the books for 50 straight hours in the Reg, and sprinted to Kent Chemistry lab, crashing an Organic Chemistry final and earning an “unprecedented” 96 on the exam.
“When we saw a shitfaced bear power-walk into the exam room, we thought it was going to lower the mean,” said second year Cam McCall. “I guess we should’ve looked closer at the powder caking its nose and mouth.”
The Chemistry department released a statement, clarifying that though they regretfully had to ban the Adderall Bear from all campus buildings, they were impressed with its “exceptional cruelty towards students” and had therefore “immediately offered Mr. Bear a tenured position in the department.”