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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Campus Life

    Top Twenty Things on Other People’s Laptops You Can Pay Attention to Instead of Your Bio Topics Lecture

    Lena Birkholz / February 16, 2023

    Youtube fan edit for the 90s classic Y Tu Mama Tambien.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Top Ten Most Romantic Days in February

    Barnabas Spunk / February 16, 2023

    My uncle Fred’s birthday is February 6.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Heartbreaking! DU Invested Entire Fund Into FTX

    Andre Dang and 1 more / February 14, 2023

    Reports show DU members begging for Maroon Dollars outside the Reg to repay their debt, although no member responded to our request for comment.

    read more
  • Literary Happenings

    How to Read Chicago Shady Dealer Headlines Like a Horoscope

    The Dealer's Psychic On Call / February 13, 2023

    They definitely thought about this one specific problem in their lives for at least two weeks before they brought it up at a pitch meeting and then the week that they wrote it.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dean Boyer Snubbed by Popular Clique of Ivy League Provosts

    Jacob Halabe / February 10, 2023

    “I try to sit with them at lunch but they’re always, like, so mean to me."

    read more
  • World Affairs

    Northwestern Spy Balloon Spotted over UChicago Campus

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / February 9, 2023

    College Dean John Boyer is reportedly hard at work deciphering the bright pink spray paint on the side, which reads: “LULZ WHERES UR ENGINEERING SKL U JUST GOT PRANKT BRO".

    read more
  • Campus Life

    University Hires New Neubauer Family Assistant Associate Vice Admiral Director of Rigorous Professional Academic Engagement, Inquiry, and Hijinks

    Edward A. Meyer / February 8, 2023

    “We felt like the administration just wasn’t doing our job with 5,438 employees, but we remain optimistic that the 5,439th will do the trick.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Announcing the Shady Dealer’s Datamatch 2023

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 6, 2023

    “After four straight years of Datamatch, we thought we’d hit rock bottom in terms of question material, but it turns out we could sink lower down!”

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    New Report Casts Doubt on George Santos’ Claim to Danish Throne

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / February 3, 2023

    The Danish National Archives said in an email that it was “pretty sure we would know if Queen Alexandrine had a whole ass son in 1898.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    North Resident With “Eyesore” View of Max P Self-Proclaimed “Most Oppressed on Campus”

    Lacey Calburn / February 2, 2023

    The UChicago community was sent into an uproar this week after #justiceforNorth began trending on Twitter.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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