January 7, 1833

America, we really have to up our game. In the nation of guns, guns and more guns, we’ve been falling behind. Three! Three separate assassination attempts, all of which have missed. I, Gun Gunlier, of the American Gun Association, come to you from the times of the Dust Bowl and seriously believe that we can do better. Surely in the annals of our history there are some lessons to be learned and teachings to be followed. 

First, a lesson from that James Kirk sound-alike: Make sure you’re recorded! And that you get him after a catchy line.

Second, as we learned from Jr’s assasination: Name an airport after him. This will ensure he dies.

Third, as we learned from ol’ Martin: Get the CIA to do it. They’ll be successful, and no one will believe them even when they say it in court.

Fourth, as we learned from that Mister Smith: Try a mob! Many successful assassinations have been performed by mobs. 

Fifth: Get the target in a location where you’re supposed to have a gun, like the play Abe Lincoln was watching at Ford’s Theater!

Sixth: Get a paid hitman to do it! The Dark Web’s right there waiting for you.

Seventh: Have you heard of the molassacre? Even the bodyguards can’t protect you from that!

Eighth: Try scaring the living daylings out of him. Maybe with a spider?

Ninth: Take him camping! Who knows what could happen there in the woods. 

And Tenth: don’t forget to accuse a pasty to take the fall for you. 

That’s all for now, folks!