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Editors in Chief

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Managing Editor

Antonia Romm

Deputy Managing Editor

Katherine Timm

Layout Editor

Shayaan Gandhi

Photo Editor

Maddy Boneck

Copy Editor

Matilda Robinson

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
  • Campus Life

    UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 29, 2019
    read more
  • Campus Life

    New Central Route to Only Turn Right

    Jalen Jiang / May 27, 2019
    read more
  • Dealer
    Lifestyle

    I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life

    Chud Junkley IV / May 24, 2019
    read more
  • Internships & Jobs & The Hard Reality of Modern Capitalism

    How to Make Up an Internship to Appease Your Parents

    Anonymous / May 16, 2019
    read more
  • World Affairs

    Field Report from the Egyptian Bureau

    Jack Toole / May 16, 2019
    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Help! I Read a Jordan Peterson Article and Now My Finger is Stuck Up My Ass!

    / May 16, 2019
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Campus North Resident Surprised to Find New, Hip Restaurant in Dorm Room

    Thomas Noriega / May 16, 2019
    read more
  • Campus Life

    Hallowed Grounds Consecrated by Holy See

    Thomas Noriega / May 16, 2019
    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Five Things You Forgot Need Spring Cleaning

    Audrey Fromson / May 16, 2019
    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    5 Takeaways from Oscar the Grouch’s New Album: When I Get Home, to My Trash Can

    / May 16, 2019
    read more
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