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Some of Y’all Were Never Told You Were Gifted as a Child and It Really Shows
I see you. You’re the one walking across the Quad without a glazed look in your eyes. I see you with your hand not raised in HUM discussion because you recognize that perhaps…
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Guide Laughs Nervously as Sick, Decrepit Fourth Year Passes Campus Tour Group
One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All…
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My Student Government Platform? More Hammocks
Spring quarter can be a stressful time for everyone. Some people are saying their goodbyes to this campus as they prepare to enter the real world, others cling to Hyde Park as they…
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Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends
With the campus no longer awash in eager and precocious high schoolers, Dean Nondorf is returning to cryogenic slumber until the next admissions cycle resumes. Shane Zimmer, Robert Zimmer’s secret bastard child and…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
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Analyst Who Predicted Eight of the Last Ten Plagues Predicts Another
Ahmenhatek VIII, a diviner and analyst from north of Memphis, is renowned across the kingdom for accurately predicting eight of the last ten plagues. His 2500 B.C. papyrus entitled “Buy Gold Before the…
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Get Ripped Like A Hill Tribesman: Follow This New Workout and Diet Plan to Lose That Valley Dweller Flab
Tired of looking like a less-than-great ape? Sick of falling behind on hunts? Feel like a loser while watching those hill tribesmen get laid at the solstice celebration? Diet: It’s easy to let…
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Point/Counterpoint: The Invention of Calculus
Gottfried Leibniz Did Not Read Doing Honest Work in College By Isaac Newton Gottfried Leibniz is a lying plagiarist. I spent twenty freaking years toiling over my books and deriving mathematical equations, and…
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My Love Life Was A Lot Better Before Glasses Were Invented
MILAN, ITALY – Fuck you, Niccolo Alfonso. You came walking down the streets of Milan just a few years ago flexing your new invention. “Look, you all can finally see clearly, even far…
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Virgin Amoeba Threatened by Larger, More Handsome Chad Amoeba
PROTEROZOIC ERA – Grumbling that he’s never getting any action, a local single-cell microorganism amoeba was feeling threatened by the floating nearby larger, more handsome “Chad” amoeba. “What’s a guy gotta do to reproduce…
