Chicago Shady Dealer

Help! I Read a Jordan Peterson Article and Now My Finger is Stuck Up My Ass!

Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for Life. Like a lot of people, I was not aware Peterson existed until very recently. I wanted to know what all the hype was about, so I decided to take a look. You would never have guessed my surprise when I read that the first rule for life is to stick a finger up your ass! Well now I’m in a bit of a pickle because I went ahead and put my little pinky right up there and it got stuck! What a load of crap!


That’s right. Because of the writing of Dr. Jordan Peterson, I’m having to write this plea for help with one hand. How am I supposed to unclog my bung? Here I was thinking all this self-help stuff might have something to it, but it’s just a lot of hooey! Peterson says the fastest way to know yourself is through the anal cavity, so if you want to find yourself, you have to go exploring. Well look where that got me: a festering orifice and a crick in my back. If I were to write my own rules for life, the first would be to never listen to someone who tells you to stick a finger up your ass without any lube. Yeah, I’m starting to think Jordan Peterson might not be as smart as everyone says he is.


Can anyone help me get this god forsaken finger out of my asshole? I’m done with self-help. I need your help! Look, I’m sorry I have to ask you to do this, but it really isn’t my fault. It’s Jordan’s! He’s the one going around telling people what to do with their assholes. If I ever get out of this, I’d sure like to show him what I think of his book. What I would give to stick my finger up his ass and let it get stuck up there. Yeah, that’s just what he needs, a taste of his own medicine. Jordan, if you’re reading this, just know my finger is coming for your ass this time! That’s what you get for writing this garbage!