By Walker King Nov. 12, 2012 Details have just begun to emerge regarding the conditions in Professor Barry Heitzman’s section of the Greek Thought and Literature class, where students were reportedly kept chained…

By Matt Montequin Nov. 13, 2012 President Robert Zimmer took to Midway Plaisance on Wednesday for the annual Presidential T?urducken Pardon, surprising onlookers when he chose to spare not one, but two turduckens…

By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 17, 2012 The University of Chicago began the first phase of its new North Campus plan this Thursday, commencing the demolition of Pierce Tower. Residents of Pierce will remain…

By Maya Handa Dec. 17, 2012 We at The Dealer understand that life is hard, and making New Year’s Resolutions is often an exercise in failure. So why start the New Year on…

By Mark Boykin Dec. 17, 2012 A man living on the streets of Chicago was fined $300 dollars for littering when a policeman found him sleeping in an alleyway. Cedric Galloway, the homeless…

By Mark Boykin Dec. 17, 2012 Some parents may have a tendency to be protective of their children, but most have nothing on Samantha Korrin, a parent who makes her living as a…

By Daniel Moattar Jan. 3, 2013 As the year-end deadline approaches, public ire and political acrimony over the United States’ “Fiscal Cliff” have approached a breaking point. “Leave me alone, you assholes,” said…

By Daniel Moattar Jan. 3, 2013 How are YOU wasting your New Year’s Eve? 21% – Reconciling day’s debauchery with resolutions, image of self as human being 17% — Pretending to have any…

By Sam Spiegel Jan. 3, 2013 Marking a great stride forward for the advancement of the human race, researchers at the University of Chicago recently announced that they had finished compiling a database…

By Clay Olsen Jan. 3, 2013 In a development entirely consistent with the University of Chicago’’s commitment to the “Life of the Head”, the book retrieval robots in Mansueto have been revealed, by…