To our dozens of readers, both old and new,
Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,” and oh how heavy our flow has been Mr. Hemingway. So pass us a tampon and call us Bloody Mary, because we’ve got some quality writing inside these here pages. We realize that there are lots of places on campus you could have chosen to get a much needed dopamine hit after a long day, and we’re glad that we, your ever-loyal Dealer, still have your business.
Speaking of business, a new school year is upon us and with it comes a new slew of campus controversies, free speech warriors, public gaffes and gaffers — through it all we here at the Chicago Shady Dealer will be here to hold your hand as we bravely go where no publication has dared to go before, sailing through uncharted waters and even more uncharted O-Mances to give you a front row seat to the physical and moral decay of this University we call “Chicago”
A few things have changed around here since you’ve been gone, we’ve got a brand new Masthead for one, ready to take on the news of the day, the next day, and the day after that, until the end of our days, and your days too. Our editorial standards have never been higher, much to our chagrin, and we can’t wait to bring you more investigative bombshells like “Straw Man sick of being attacked all the time,” and “Help! I read a Jordan Petersen article now my finger is stuck up my ass!”. Furthermore this shiny new Masthead comes with two shiny new Editors-in-Chief, Deb and Diego, who this lowly ghostwriter has heard are very nice, very cool people, and you should be their friend.
But despite all this, many things remain the same. President Zimmer still bathes in a pool of alumni donations like Scrooge McDuck, campus junkie Dean Nondorf is always chasing that next US News high, and the hard hitting journalism of the Maroon never ceases to amaze. Thanks guys, we couldn’t do it without you.
We promise, this new year we will strive to bring you nothing but the truth you want to hear, the op-eds you could do without, and the clickbait that will make us money, as we push the bounds of journalistic integrity to their absolute breaking point. To this end, our writers have worked tirelessly to bring you this O-Week issue of The Shady Dealer and will continue to work tirelessly if they ever want to see their families again. If that sounds like something you’d be into, come on down to Harper 145, Sundays at 7 PM, starting this Sunday the 7th, and rejoice in the hilarity, insanity and silliness of this campus we call “our primary mailing address”.
Print journalism is a young man’s game in an old man’s body, so pull up a chair and come watch it die.
Deb and Diego