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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ratner Employee Greets Patron

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg Nov. 10, 2012 In an unprecedented display of social interaction, a front desk employee at Ratner Athletics Center greeted a patron coming in to exercise by saying “hello” cheerfully. The…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Excuse me, is this where I email to unsubscribe from your listhost?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nora Helfand Nov. 10, 2012 Hi. I’m not sure if this is where I go to do this, but could you please take me off your listhost? I’ve already taken measures in…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Department of Safety and Security Call for Applications: Student Security Guard

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Tamer Barsbay Nov. 10, 2012 Collaborating with Career Advancement, the UCPD proudly announces a new security officer internship sponsored by the Metcalf program. The latest wave of crimes on campus has necessitated…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Calculus Students Learn Drinking Limits Following Midterms

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diane Zimmerman Nov. 10, 2012 The best place for a mathematician may be behind a counter, but reports this weekend found them on top of the bar. After a particularly difficult round…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Using Local Resources, Peer Health Exchange Begins Educational Programs for UChicago Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jeremy Wilson Nov. 10, 2012 Peer Health Exchange (PHE) recently expanded their mission from promoting safe sex practices in the surrounding community to helping UChicago students understand how to have sex. In…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Have Never Seen a Horse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jake Frisch Nov. 11, 2012 It’s not like I don’t know what they are, I’m not an idiot. I’ve just never seen a horse. No, not even a picture. People keep saying,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Fatty Learns Chinese Through Fortune Cookies

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Stephen Lurie Nov. 11, 2012 Area man Jack Yarborough discovered this week an unexpected and unintended benefit to his Chinese take-out habit: learning Chinese. By his estimates, the 340-pound Mr. Yarborough must…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We could make a pretty good ski team

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Bobby Zimmer Nov. 12, 2012 I know it’s a little early in the year to start thinking about this, but I’m pretty confident that we could make a good ski team. I’m…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD attributes increased arrest rates to dedicated dining hall squad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Spiegel Nov. 12, 2012 In coordinated and simultaneous raids on all three campus dining halls, the University of Chicago Police Department has arrested upwards of 50 people linked to a food-smuggling…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Optimus Parm food truck sells Italian food, fights crime

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Nov. 12, 2012 In recent days, Hyde Park’s food truck craze has taken on a new dimension: the endless war against evil. A new red-and-blue cart can be found sitting…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

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