Chicago Shady Dealer

Dean Boyer Just Kinda Hanging Out at FIJI Pledge Event

Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the fraternity’s house during a pledge event last Friday. Dane Phrumph, a first year from Sugarbarn, WI, reportedly recognized Boyer from a number of memes, and asked his pledge leader, fourth-year Chud Junkley IV, what the Dean was doing there. Junkley seemed confused, simply answering “Well, why wouldn’t he be here?”

As the night went on and the pledges got to know the fraternity better, several pledges inquired about Boyer’s presence at the event, and none of them received a satisfactory answer. Many current brothers simply shrugged and waved away the question. Second-year Edward Bonning told a pledge that Boyer was always in the house minding his own business, and the brothers generally let him be. Bonning then told the pledge to chug a milkshake made from powerade and Frӧnen for asking too many questions.

By the end of the evening, Phrumph, struggling to see or stay upright after being forced to snort sriracha during a Kegel stand, (a keg stand where the beer is replaced with Ketel One) accidentally bumped into Dean Boyer, who was sipping a Natty Light and reading Pope Pius II’s Commentaries on Europe. Phrumph rubbed his eyes, blinked, and upon recognizing Boyer, slurred out the question he’d struggled to answer all night: “Why are you here?”

Boyer closed his book, shotgunned the rest of his beer, and turned to face Phrumph. His face wrinkled into a beatific smile, and the world seemed to glow a little brighter as the Dean opened his mouth to speak. “I-” Boyer began, but at that moment Mode Bamba began to play (an in-house remix of “Mo Bamba” and “Sicko Mode”) and Phrumph was swarmed by the brothers. As they hyped Phrumph up for the most difficult part of pledging (convincing random passerbyers to take UChicago Football seriously), Boyer was lost in the crowd. When at last the brothers dispersed, the Dean was nowhere to be found, leaving a small Habsburg crest carved on the wall in his wake.