Chicago Shady Dealer

A Vague Sense of Dread Based on Your Horoscope

 

Aries

(3/21 – 4/19)

Consider that due to that projection of  planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually is not, as the angle of a perception is just slightly too small to be considered far too big. But as long as your follow these instructions you will be okay.
Taurus

(4/20 – 5/20)

Typical Taurus you’re going to experience some taurus shit this week. 
Gemini

(5/21 – 6/20)

Congratulations! According to the weather report, if you’re a Gemini, you’re about to get a brand-new twin! The electricity in the air will cause all of your molecules to vibrate so much that an entirely other you will spontaneously form with  a 30% chance of the twin being evil. Already have a twin? Too bad! You’re now a Quadruplet. Have fun coordinating matching outfits everyday with three other people instead of one.
Cancer

(6/21-7/22)

Mars is rising and it’s your fault

Stop it

Leo

(7/23 – 8/22)

I’ve had it with you. I’ve set traps around the salad bar.

Now stay out of my edame and away from my skinny lemon balsamic vinaigrette.

Virgo

(8/23 – 9/22)

Good luck will come to you but only if you buy these cool “Free Expression” condoms from the Chicago Shady Dealer, unavailable in a newspaper near you 
Libra

(9/23- 10/22)

Tumblr says liking Anthropologie isn’t a personality trait, but that’s the best you’ve got so make the most of it. 
Scorpio

(10/23 – 11/21)

I have no fucking idea but bad luck on tinder seems like a good bet.
Sagittarius

(11/22 – 12/21)

-Will you be my owner?-

-There stands a horse with a handsome human face.

-Before you know it, you agree to start training him…

-Is this a dream or a nightmare?

-Life on this strange ranch awaits…

Capricorn

(12/22 – 1/19)

Oh god. I don’t know what you did to deserve this, but you don’t want to know what’s in store for you next week. Seriously. It’s better if you never have to find out, and maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones! Maybe.
Aquarius

(1/20 – 2/18)

The earth is warming but my feelings for you aren’t
Pisces

(2/19 – 3/20)

Ur 2 fish 69ing. Glub! Glub! Weather doesn’t affect u. Glub! Glub! Just keep doin’ ur thing. Don’t think about ocean acidification 😉

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