Chicago Shady Dealer

How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few sleepless nights in this bad boy.

And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably gotten your dick stuck in the revolving door more times than you’d like to admit to your academic advisor when she asks what you’ve been up to this quarter.

 

Stick around if you want to learn how to get that puppy out of the doghouse.

 

  1. The Capitalist’s approach: The Invisible Hand

You’re a city guy and time is money. When you’re not wearing pastel colored button up shirts, you’re wearing pastel colored shorts. You’ve got to network tonight in order to fulfil your social quota, but with door’s chompers on your romper, the invisible hand won’t be pushing you anywhere. The perfect solution for you is a 55 gallon barrel of water-based lube, $1570.88 on Amazon, hand pump included. Not only are you getting enough lube to slide your lil’ friedman out, but you’re gonna have enough left over to help ease your family friction, dads are the worst am I right!

 

  1. The IOP Method

You are David Axelrod, and you’ve just asked the door if you’ve told it your story about being Obama’s adviser. The door’s heard the story before, but it thinks maybe it’ll be fun to hear it again. Once it realizes you’re telling the exact same, rehearsed story, it’ll slowly start to leave to get the free food at your event, setting you and your Axe-File free.

 

  1. The Quick and Easy

This strategy effective, but not without consequence. First, clear all thoughts from your brain (this should not take long). Then, repeat this phrase three times: “I am a sexless, sexless flesh cylinder”. Wait a few moments for this spell to take effect, but once it does your body will transform into a smooth tube of skin with no defining features whatsoever. You and your new body will slide free from the door, exiting the Reg as you once exited the womb. 

 

  1. Use Cheat Codes

Down, down, left, up, down, right, right, up, shimmy, twist, pull. If that doesn’t work, you might have some luck with binary. Most people don’t know that revolving doors used to be on a binary code system, so if you’re in a pinch (literally), use the following command to see if the Reg doors are still running on God’s 1’s and 0’s:

00011010001000 00100010111000101111 1111111111111011 00000000000000000101100 1101

Translation: Please open, I am big stuck

 

  1. Accept your position

This one won’t get you out of the door, no your dick is still definitely in there, but at least you’re okay with it. You’d be the guy who wants to get his dick stuck in the revolving door, and that might be better than being the guy who accidentally keeps getting it stuck in there. This one’s for the betas out there.

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