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Only Permitted Spring Break Activity is Clicking This Button, Admin Says
A recent email from the College urged students to stay at home and within the Chicago area during the upcoming spring break, and revealed that the only activity the College suggests students do during the break period was to click the button below this article. “We think the goal of the game — to increase the number of times the button has been clicked — will serve as a satisfying communal objective for the College as a whole”
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When the world needed it most, Datamatch Returns!
It’s been a year. What? It’s only February? Well between attempted coups and unstable internet connections, we here at the Chicago Shady Dealer have had our hands full. Not full enough to forget Datamatch though! That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of lockdown, nay, Winter Quarter, nay the year, is back! Datamatch, the most effective matchmaking experiment since Zoom’s gallery view, has returned—this time with more insightful questions, and what the press is calling “a lot of hype for an online quiz.” The history of Datamatch at the University of Chicago is a long and noble one, going all the way back to February 2019. Harvard…
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Fourth Year Math Major Forgets How to Read
What had previously been considered an un-losable skill, like riding a bike or swimming, has for the first time been proven to be losable. This past Monday, Ican Add became the first person in history to lose the ability to read. “The loss of the ability to read—what our team is tentatively terming “disreadabula”, is an incident of extreme scientific interest, a phenomenon previously only theorized,” lead investigator Ben Maxwell said. Add’s disreadabula may only be the tip of the iceberg; in the time since the discovery of the illiteracy event, evidence of further illiteracy among other Math majors has also recently been found. “We started working with Ican…
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UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report
The University of Chicago’s wireless internet services have dropped to No. 333,333,333 in U.S. News & World Report’s 2020 ranking of university wireless internet services (colloquially called “WiFi”). The U.S. News rankings take into account connection availability, reliability rates, and a variety of other factors, with increased focus this year on criteria relating to WiFi speed in libraries. In the 2020 rankings, Princeton and Harvard Universities’ WiFi services were ranked No. 1 and 2, respectively, with Columbia, MIT, and Yale sharing the No. 3 spot. Northwestern, Duke, and Johns Hopkins finish out the schools ranked in the top 10, with Duke and Johns Hopkins tied for No. 10. U.S. News stopped factoring admissions rates…
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