Chicago Shady Dealer

Trump Signs Executive Order Making “Gangnam Style” the Official National Anthem

Get ready to gallop into the New Year because President Trump has found a way to make all sports games from now until forever a lot more exciting and culturally relevant.  Say goodbye to the ridiculously difficult “Star Spangled Banner” and say hello to America’s K-Pop future. The entertaining days of Fergie botching the national anthem will be sadly missed, as the catchy 2012 one hit wonder by Psy will play at the beginning of every sporting event, 4th of July and state functions. 

Trump’s decision baffled experts who all agreed  that the US was desperately in need of a new National Anthem, but couldn’t understand why the president chose a song that is so “yesterday” (rumor has it that the BTS army is ready to organize and fight for their band’s honor). However, here are the facts: as a 73 year old white male, Trump’s favorite song is not “Genie in a Bottle” as you might expect, but in fact “Gangnam Style.” He was introduced to the song at the same time that he was introduced to Youtube, and beneath his gold outer crust, he has a heart longing for nostalgia. Every time “Gangnam Style” plays, it will remind him of when he popped his youtube cherry and transitioned from boy stuck in the dark ages to a man of the new millenia.

We also cannot neglect the other primary reason for this particular song choice which is that Trump is hoping to appease Kim Jong Un through his choice in national anthem. Yes, Psy is South Korean, and yes, there is a large difference between South and North Korea, but Trump doesn’t know that, and it’s fun to keep him in the dark — destructive, but fun. Whether this will lead to diplomatic success in the future is unknown, no one knows, but one thing is for sure, Congress is fighting hard against the change. This is especially because Senator Schumer had been pushing for Bruce Springstein’s “Born to Run” for about ten years with no success. The fate of our new National Anthem is  therefore uncertain, but for now… “Oppa Gangnam Style!”

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Managing Editor, 2022-23