January 29, 2020. In a clerical error, the University of Chicago has purchased the property of 61st and Cottage Grove, current home to Jewel-Osco. The deal, costing the University $20 Million, appears at first glance to be part of the University’s continued efforts to expand into the Woodlawn neighborhood, a move some have described as ‘gentrification’. In truth, it is the result of a simple misunderstanding.
Last month, University President Robert Zimmer asked his secretary, Katie Callow-Wright, to buy him a Juul to fuel his crippling nicotine addiction. Callow-Wright misheard the request, believing President Zimmer to be demanding Jewel-Osco, the grocery store franchise. Subservient to President Zimmer’s every wish, Callow-Wright appropriated funds away from graduate student salaries to complete the $20 Million purchase.
“I’m not terribly upset,” Zimmer told the Shady Dealer, elaborating on the financial opportunities the land affords the University, “I just wish they sold mango pods. I’m trying to get that buzz, you know?” When I offered Zimmer a hit of my juul, he graciously declined, saying “I don’t want any of the creme brulee shit.”
The Shady Dealer had the opportunity to discuss the University’s plans for Jewel-Osco with President Zimmer. The University has several changes it wishes to make to the franchise, including having the store except Maroon Dollars™ and changing its name to Bart Mart 2.
“What we really want to do, now that we have mistakenly purchased Jewel, is deny people on the south-side access to food,” Zimmer emphasized. But there was no passion in Zimmer’s eyes as he told the Dealer his evil plans. Sometimes nicotine withdrawal leaves a hole in the heart that not even a $20 million property deal can fill.