Chicago Shady Dealer

Lonely First Year, Desperate for Pet, Grows Mold

Everyone should know by this point in the year that the only pets allowed in dorms are the RH’s dogs and kids. Kevin Garcia, however, discovered the loophole of all loopholes. He spilled some soda on a sourdough roll from McCathy in the corner of his single, set the thermostat to a cool 68 degrees Fahrenheit and let nature take its course. After about a week, he had a new, spotty green friend. When asked why he chose to grow this unconventional companion in particular, he said, “I was deciding between a chia pet and moldy bread but ultimately decided on the bread because its unique shape gives it personality — as opposed to chia pets, which are all manufactured to be exactly the same. I also liked the idea of it being all natural without any preservatives, and the low cost was a bonus as well.”

When asked why he didn’t just get a plant like one of the succulents from the RSO fair or the pumpkins from Wellapalooza. Kevin said, “I wanted to be different and unique, you know, one of my goals for the year was to be less vanilla”. This reporter thinks that he went to the wrong school for that. Nevertheless, further investigations revealed that Kevin didn’t go to either event because he didn’t have any friends to go with him. However, he says that he is no longer lonely now that he finally has a friend to play Smash Bros with.

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Managing Editor, 2022-23