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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dealer Music Review: “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”

    R.E. Stern / April 4, 2020

    What happens when a girl loves America’s pastime so much she insists that all of her dates be at sporting events? Lyricist Jack Norwood and composer Albert Von Tisler give us the answer…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fourth Year Math Major Forgets How to Read

    Deblina Mukherjee and 1 more / April 4, 2020

    What had previously been considered an un-losable skill, like riding a bike or swimming, has for the first time been proven to be losable. This past Monday, Ican Add became the first person…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Company Sells T-Shirts to Spread Awareness of Coronavirus and Actual Coronavirus

    Clayton Lovell / April 4, 2020

    Willy Creech, founder and CEO of “COVID CASUAL,” a West Virginia-based startup, is causing panic in the fashion world as he continues to eat up market share for streetwear. We were lucky enough…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    NEW! Duck Dynasty Inspired Line of Canada Goose Winter Parkas!

    Kate Kaplin / April 4, 2020

    Are you a person from the “square states” who wants to show off your newfound wealth without “losing touch with your roots”? Did you just win the lottery or inherit money from your…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Phil (the Phoenix) Starts Fire

    Kate Kaplin / April 4, 2020

    Another $300 million down the drain, and the big question that remains is this: whose idea it was to care for a dying phoenix in a bustling hospital? (It’s almost as if nobody…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Godot? I’m Still Waiting

    A Very Lonely Man / April 4, 2020

    It has been twenty days, ten hours, and seventeen minutes since I was promised Godot. I have not left Logan’s Theater West since the show began, ended, began again, ended once more, and…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Hyde Park Community Crowdsources Counseling

    / April 4, 2020

    Following the tragic cancellation of  Pet Love for the second quarter in a row, the Hyde Park community pulled through to make their own crowdsourced Pet Love. Tens of Hyde Park residents brought…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tired of Seeing His Ads, Mark Zuckerberg Blocks Bloomberg from Facebook Feed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 4, 2020

    Mark Zuckerberg is just like us! After years of speculation, we finally have substantive proof that he is not a robot sent from Mars to kill us all. He is, in fact, human:…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    What Happens Between Pre-Reg and Schedule Release

    Rahul Gupta / April 4, 2020

    To the chagrin of unsuspecting students who were already grappling with running complicated game theory calculations in their heads to determine how to rank their classes, pre-registration resolution is now a week longer…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point/Counterpoint: 11 Things UChicago Students Think They’re Doing Right Now versus 11 Things UChicago Students Are Actually Doing Right Now

    Kate Kaplin / April 3, 2020

    Point:  Solving the mystery of what happened to the missing sock in the laundry  Counterpoint: Watching Sherlock for the 4thtime   Point: Supporting local businesses and restaurants  Counterpoint: Being too lazy to cook…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company
  • 5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
  • Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
  • UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
  • Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
  • 10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
  • Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
  • Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg
  • Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
  • President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report

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