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University Indicts Itself in College Admissions Scandal, Insists It’s Desirable Enough For People to Pay to Get Into
In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on…
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Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden
Ahead of announcing this year’s Summer Breeze lineup, MAB has revealed that Dean Boyer’s Seals and Crofts cover band will be headlining the beer garden, exclusively playing their hit “Summer Breeze” on repeat…
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Shady Classifieds: Cobb Cafe
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed…
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Admissions Allows Fraternities to Host for April Overnights
In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy,…
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Survey Reveals Frats Suck Because They’re All Scorpios
A recent survey of University of Chicago Greek life has revealed that every single fraternity brother since 1920 was born under the astrological sign of Scorpio, and is therefore a totally irredeemable trash…
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FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs
Long recommended by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a fuel for one’s morning and a buffer from coffee acidity, breakfast is a very important meal. However, according to new research, the…
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“We Need Communism” Says Econ Bro After Being Forced to Watch 3 Consecutive YouTube Ads
It was a dark Friday night, and Zakry Gaylord Beta, a second-year Economics major, had just returned home after a long, arduous day of solving Lagrangians. Naturally, he was tired, so he did…
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Op-Ed: That’s Right, I’m Passionate About Finance
Hey! Thanks for agreeing to get coffee. I know you’re busy, but I’ve got 20 meetings today and a p-set due tomorrow after my 4 interviews, so I could only just squeeze you…
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Some of Y’all Were Never Told You Were Gifted as a Child and It Really Shows
I see you. You’re the one walking across the Quad without a glazed look in your eyes. I see you with your hand not raised in HUM discussion because you recognize that perhaps…
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Guide Laughs Nervously as Sick, Decrepit Fourth Year Passes Campus Tour Group
One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All…
