Chicago Shady Dealer

You don’t really have a dairy allergy, have you tried meditation?

Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this too shall pass. Just let it go. Just lift your chin up, smile, and peel your ass off the toilet. 

Don’t take Lactaid, that changes the chemistry of your digestive system! You want to go see a gastroenterologist?  Just snap out of it! Everyone struggles with gastrointestinal problems in their life, but you have to power through like everyone else! Do you think you have it bad? There are people out there who don’t even have a colon! There are people who don’t even have milk to drink. Can’t you see how lucky you are! Have you tried meditation or eating more fiber? Maybe if you got off that damn phone you wouldn’t have these issues.

 

 

I once had to get a colonoscopy on Christmas just so my doctor could tell me "iced coffee and spicy ramen is not a diet." If that doesn't tell you about the quality of my life choices, I don't know what will.

I once had to get a colonoscopy on Christmas just so my doctor could tell me "iced coffee and spicy ramen is not a diet." If that doesn't tell you about the quality of my life choices, I don't know what will.

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