Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

SCRANTON, PA – In a historic, bizarre, and unprecedented move, Joe Biden announced today that he had selected himself as the Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Biden also announced that Kamala Harris would replace him as the Democratic nominee for President. 

Harris, a pragmatic moderate who spent most of her early career as a prosecutor, tweeted that she was “honored” to be the first woman with a secure email server to be nominated for the Presidency by a major party.  Biden, who made the announcement from a moving Amtrak train passing through Scranton, Pennsylvania, said “I look forward to doing what it takes to make Kamala Harris our next Commander-in-Chief.”

Many of Biden’s closest advisors also took to Twitter to praise the move. “As Joe showed during his term as Barack Obama’s Vice President,” former Biden campaign manager Greg Schultz wrote, “he is the perfect candidate for a job with no concrete responsibilities. He looks forward to biting ice cream, wearing aviator sunglasses, and generally resuming the role he perfected in 2008 as America’s crazy yet somehow harmless uncle.”

When informed that he would now have to face Kamala Harris in three televised debates, President Donald Trump told reporters he could not be reached for comment.

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