-
UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
-
New Central Route to Only Turn Right
In an effort to streamline the Nightride shuttle system, the Central route has been revised to only make right-hand turns, effective immediately. In an email to the student body, Transportation and Parking Services…
-
I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life
I hoped that political violence would remain a buzzword or an abstract concept, but when my chauffeur Jeeves was driving me to campus this morning, I heard a horrifying news story from the…
-
How to Make Up an Internship to Appease Your Parents
It’s May, and those of you with bad luck (and/or a bad resume) may still not have heard back from anywhere about summer internships. You may be feeling stressed out — Career Advancement…
-
Field Report from the Egyptian Bureau
I spiral down over the wheat field. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. The parched fields below glow gold in the evening light while the Nile sparkles in the…
-
Help! I Read a Jordan Peterson Article and Now My Finger is Stuck Up My Ass!
Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for…
-
Campus North Resident Surprised to Find New, Hip Restaurant in Dorm Room
When third-year Hannah Gilbraith came home from tennis practice late last Thursday night, she walked into Campus North as usual, tapped her ID at the front desk, and rode the elevator up to…
-
Hallowed Grounds Consecrated by Holy See
Regulars of Hallowed Grounds, the fourth most popular coffee shop in Reynolds Club, were surprised last Sunday to see the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, his Holiness Pope Francis I, enter…
-
Five Things You Forgot Need Spring Cleaning
The 10 day forecast might look like the man upstairs is playing tricks on us, but according to my inner senses (as informed by the Gregorian calendar), it is in fact spring. Yay.…
-
5 Takeaways from Oscar the Grouch’s New Album: When I Get Home, to My Trash Can
In true chaos-Muppet fashion, Oscar the Grouch revealed only a small handful of clues about his new album, When I Get Home, to My Trash Can, ahead of its arrival yesterday in the dead…
