Chicago Shady Dealer

How to Look Less Delicious to Your Roommate

  1. Don’t shower. Given that you haven’t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven’t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body’s natural oils and “funk,” if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food.

 

  1. Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don’t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered ground apples in your mouth like it’s an olympic sport until you, yourself start to become an onion. Just like me when I am near Darleen Bradey, the girl who rejected me in high school, they will burst into tears when they share a room with you! Nothing is less appetizing than a pungent, layery person.

 

  1. Look gaunt and sickly. You may already look gaunt and sickly from only eating Adderall and iced coffee for 2 years, but you can never look too disgusting and diseased. We suggest rubbing black eyeliner under your eyes a la Tim Burton or even rocking faux measles with red lipstick. It’s essential that you get absolutely no sun and remain as haggard as humanly possible. Throw in a cough or a limp, and your roommate won’t want to eat you for fear that they, too will fall ill. 

 

  1. Establish dominance. In the animal kingdom, the alpha gets the first pick at food and shelter. If you are the alpha and food gets short, it won’t be your flank on the grill. There are a few ways to establish dominance over your roommate including peeing on their belongings or presenting your bright red ass to them and screaming. Your roommate will be too busy bringing you food to see you as delicious. 

 

  1. Hold perfectly still when they pass by you. Your roommate is sensitive to motion and can only see you if you move. If all else fails, they will be able to hunt you if you hold perfectly still.

I once had to get a colonoscopy on Christmas just so my doctor could tell me "iced coffee and spicy ramen is not a diet." If that doesn't tell you about the quality of my life choices, I don't know what will.

I once had to get a colonoscopy on Christmas just so my doctor could tell me "iced coffee and spicy ramen is not a diet." If that doesn't tell you about the quality of my life choices, I don't know what will.

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