Issues
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Well Intentioned Abolitionist Seen Digging Tunnel from Maine to Canada, Directionally Challenged?
The Dealer was politely confused, as she was digging southward, and tried to ask the source herself. When questioned, Well Intentioned said that she was digging the escape tunnels, and that with the…
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Maroon Wins Pulitzer Prize for “Courageous” Reporting on Reg Bathroom Closure
This year’s winning piece, ‘Reg Bathroom Has Been Closed for Five Weeks Now; Probably Getting Fixed Soon,’ reminds us of what’s really important—plumbing.”
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An Open Letter to My Professors: If Congress Can Take a Vacation When They Have Work to Do, Why Can’t I?
After all, it’s not like airport lines will get any longer if I don’t finish reading Old Man Goriot by Tuesday. It’s not like gas prices will continue to climb if I don’t…
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Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
For those UChicago students unaware of the concept of grade inflation (that’s inflation with an “I”, by the way, not deflation with a “D”), it is the wonderful idea that if you just…
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Alphabet Ct De to Bdget Crisis
Amidst nprecedented inancial woes acing the English langage, the Alphabet will see three letters eliminated to save money: , , and .
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CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
Chartreuse’s earthy green tones remind CTA riders of our hardworking Illinois farmers. There is no one who respects Illinois agriculture more than me.
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6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon
When I tell people I’ve got a job at Raytheon lined up for after I graduate, they usually say things like, “That’s really cool,” or “You’re really cool for working at Raytheon,” or…
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First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
Since receiving the reprimand, Hawkins has found himself agonizing over how sad he even was in the first place. “I mean, it makes sense that I would miss my family, but only on…
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5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
Look, if Christianity doesn’t exist in space, neither does Christmas.
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Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
“We thought everyone still did it,” said matriarch Maria Del Toro, carefully arranging three purple candles and one pink candle in preparation for the weekly arguments about who gets to light them, “You…
