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On His Last Night, Prince Phillip Spotted Playing Pong, Hitting It Off with the Bros at AEPI
Anonymous tipsters claim that Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, was seen at AEPI, a University of Chicago fraternity, during his last night on Earth. He is survived by a crumbling homeland Greek economy,…
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I’m an Alpha Delt Pledge and You’re a Loser
I’ve spent my life until this point looking for people as cool as me. I was the coolest kid in high school, even if no one else thought so. I had my lunch…
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Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth
Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.”
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Frats Release Statement: “Hey Look, A Cool Bird!”
In the wake of the University’s announcement that campus would be entering a second lockdown of the quarter, a group of UChicago fraternities released a statement.
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Spring Break to be Renamed ‘Kenneth C. Griffin Week of March 21st’
“I hope this new name will remind students that fun is just an obstacle towards achieving their goals,” Griffin told the Dealer. “I also have high hopes that the name will go a…
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What I Wish I Had Known on March 11th, 2020: A One-Year Retrospective on my Gilded Age History and Economy Final Exam
The Dealer sat down with UChicago students to talk about the things they wished they had known last March. Well, just one student, really. And most of his complaints were about one history…
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Admin Introduces Reading Hour Every Week That Accumulates Into One Reading Day
"The committee felt that students should be motivated to study for finals before they actually learn the material that will be on their finals, and if you don't like it fuck you your…
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I Failed My First HUM Paper and I Don’t Know Why… ?
My professor just graded my first essay for Readings in World Literature and gave me an F. I’m really confused because I copied most of it from an essay I wrote in AP…
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Canada Goose Wearer Cries for UCPD as Feathers Are Ripped Off His Back
“Help! Help! No, not the Goose please please that was a birthday pres… huhhhh… where is UCP-” were the last words of David Vanderbilt, a fourth-year Big Problems Major at the University of…
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Only Permitted Spring Break Activity is Clicking This Button, Admin Says
A recent email from the College urged students to stay at home and within the Chicago area during the upcoming spring break, and revealed that the only activity the College suggests students do…
