-
Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”
Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.
-
OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
-
History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch
"If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."
-
Thief Returns Android User’s Phone
Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student’s possessions.
-
Moses! Danny DeVito! Your Dad! What Are the Chances That These Iconic Men Will Get Into Fiji This Saturday Night?
Sanderson is to frat bros what Moses was to the Israelites. However, he’s not entering without first engaging the bouncer in a discussion on why taxation is socialism.
-
Seven UChicago Changes to Be Aware of Despite Their Lack of Importance
In a surprise move, the Registrar’s office has announced that they will be adding two new zeros to the ends of all course IDs, effective starting winter quarter.
-
Top Six Ways to Totally Own Your Stupid Idiot Grandma This Thanksgiving
Last Thanksgiving, your grandma messed up the acronym and called your goth cousin “part of the GLBT community,” which was obviously a hate crime.
-
Point: Joe Biden Is Ruining America/Counterpoint: Grandpa, Can We Please Just Have a Normal Thanksgiving Dinner for Once?
This is why we never come here for the holidays. You thought it would be such a great idea for the kids to watch Fox News instead of Dora the Explorer because it…
-
Turkey Pardon Gone Wrong: Armenian Genocide Perpetrators Acquitted of War Crimes
According to sources, the White House is considering apologizing to the Armenian-American community by promising an open dialogue that will happen sometime in the near, yet far future.
-
How to Find True Love by Mansplaining Pool in Hallowed Grounds
Casually slip in the fact that you’re in Physics 12100 and begin to explain (in your sultriest voice possible) all about “ball collision theory,” “the sweet spot,” and “relative slipping analysis.” So sexy.
