Buccaneers’ Tom Brady to Be Traded for a Man Who Will “Spend Some Goddamn Time With the Kids”

According to sources close to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers star quarterback,his now ex-wife Gisele Bündchen is soon to trade Brady for a man who will “spend some goddamn time with the kids,” and “actually be a decent husband.” 

After the 2021 NFL season, Brady spent a 40-day stint with Bündchen and did not impress, starting for only 40 days before reneging on his prior commitment to improving his marriage, instead returning to the league. “It’s not an easy decision, but it’s the right one,” Brady said at the time. “I need to focus on the stuff in life that really matters, like throwing the ol’ ball around.”

In the trade, Brady will reappear in the marriage draft, while Gisele will receive a 2023 pick, to hopefully be used to plug the hole left by Tom Brady’s familial neglect.

“It will certainly be sad to see him go, but it’s the right decision,” said Gisele. “He’s 45 years old, and he’s due for a decrease in strength and stamina in the near future. I need to fill my family’s immediate need for a man who will pick the kids up from school and maybe wash a dish every once in a while.”

Brady was optimistic about his future with whichever woman he will surely end up with. “I feel confident that I can find another woman who won’t be so damn picky.”