Extra Zeros Added to Course IDs
In a surprise move, the Registrar’s office has announced that they will be adding two new zeros to the ends of all course IDs, effective starting winter quarter. Apparently, this change was enacted “for the same reason we added the original zeros” – whatever that was.
University Shuttles Now Run Less Frequently
The University’s Department of Transportation has decided to run their shuttles half as frequently, to make their drivers’ schedules easier. 95% of students we surveyed reported that they “hadn’t noticed” the change, since walking is literally always faster anyway.
Three More Tables Added to Bartlett
Bartlett Dining Hall staff have placed three more four-person tables in the eating area in order to cut down on the lunch-time rush. In a statement, the staff said they’d add an additional three tables should this prove to be effective, and remove them should it prove to be too effective.
I-House to be Moved Farther From Campus
Starting in the 2023-24 school year, I-House will be relocated to be even farther away from anything on campus. Allegedly, this change will be implemented in order to make I-House feel more international, in the sense that international students’ home countries are really far away.
All RSOs Now Meet on Tuesday Evening at the Same Time
Whatever governing body is in charge of RSOs has mandated a set meeting time: Tuesday evenings from 6:30 PM to 7:30 PM. Additional time slots are available at noon on Wednesday and early morning Sunday for RSOs that wish to have multiple meetings per week, although this is strongly discouraged. Allegedly, the reasoning behind this change is that it helps students stay more organized, and class workload suggests that students are already able to do multiple things at once.
“Where Fun Goes to Die” is Now an Official University Motto
The University’s motto has been changed to “ubi fuitio accedit ad mortem,” which is Latin for “where enjoyment goes to die” (according to Google Translate). The rationale behind this change is that once the phrase is the official motto, all the students will forget it.
Woodlawn Walls Upgraded to 4-Ply
Walls in the Woodlawn dorm have been made very slightly thicker, and should now be completely opaque rather than merely translucent, according to building designers. When asked why they didn’t make the walls even thicker while they were at it, the building crew looked at each other and said, “Yeah, why didn’t we?”