Point: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away/ Counterpoint: So Does a Knife

Point: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

An apple is highly nutritious: it has 4g of fiber, 0.5g of protein, and it can lower risk of deadly diseases (and this is for an apple with a medium size of exactly 150 cubic centimeters, we checked!)

And aside from warding off sickness, an apple also drives away doctors. Why? It’s quite simple. In order to go to medical school, a prospective student must have taken the MCAT, pass one science class, and become deadly allergic to apples. 

Therefore, in order to avoid doctors, one must eat at least one apple per day. Otherwise, they can and will hunt you down with expensive medical bills.

Counterpoint: So Does a Knife

I know all the above is true, but I ate an apple every day last year and I still had to go to the doctor when I choked on one. They did something they called a “Hind Lick” maneuver, or an “abominable thrust” – both sound really weird to me – and I had to pay $300 and another $50 for “deliberately bringing in substances poisonous to doctors”.

Anyway, I found out that a knife is much more effective, and now I don’t have any trouble with doctors! I had to go again because of an accidental stab wound, and they even said I could “leave the premises immediately” when I took my knife out. Clearly a knife is much more effective.

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Andrea Zhou — a self-proclaimed hot chocolate fanatic — is one of our beloved staff writers as well as a deputy copy editor. She has written and edited a number of articles for The Shady Dealer, and aspires to finish college with over a hundred articles under her name.