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Report: Jesus to Take It Easy This Easter
It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.
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Second, Much-Nicer Couch Found Between Cushions of House Lounge Couch
While cleaning out the couch in its house lounge Thursday, residents of Markovitz House were shocked to discover an object lodged between its cushions: a second, much-nicer couch.
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Ron Desantis Slams “Gay Ass” Rainbow Fish Book
“I think it’s disgusting that our kids are reading about a limp-wristed fish on the taxpayer’s dime,” DeSantis stated.
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10 Things to Do in SOSC That Will Send a Message to the Guy That Ghosted You
Say, “Yeah Marx actually said that capitalism has torn the family apart. I guess I can relate to that,” and look over semi-wistfully.
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“I’m Such A Klepto,” Says White Girl Stealing Banana From Baker
“I can’t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I’m such a pyro, you guys.”
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Report: Wrong Person Shirtless at Point
"He did it all in one go, and only with one hand. It was so smooth, it almost made up for the sweat stains."
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Writing Tutor Too Uncomfortable to Kick Out Couple Making Out in Cubicle
“Look, I just fix their writing,” she said, “I’m not qualified to intervene here. Plus, they made it clear I wasn’t invited.”
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University Introduces Brand-New Career Adviser Adviser Position
The counselors will also advise career advisers on the advancement of their own careers, which university officials described as “kind of a lost cause”.
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RH Family Adopts Dog “To Rub it in Students’ Faces”
“We’re showing dominance, which is really important to us as RHs. We possess what the students desire."
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New Startup Matches Douchebags to African Safari Animals They Can Kill
Environmental activists have touted the app as “pretty messed up” and “the solution that we didn’t ask for, but thanks, I guess”.
