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First Year Ventures Across the Midway to Get Condom From Office of Safety and Security
“It was a difficult journey across the Midway with lots of treacherous twists and turns,” he said. “However, I have finally been granted a condom. Now I am in search of a partner…
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Real Alum Speaks: “O-Week Is the Best Your Life Will Ever Be”
Let me take you inside the game. When you get moved into your dorm. You'll meet your housemates and make your best and only friends for the rest of your life. You'll never…
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How Tall Was Jesus Christ? We Asked Every Academic Department
We built a really big neural network to predict people’s heights based on their faces, trained it on images of humans, and it told us that Jesus was either 3’2” or a golden…
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Mansueto Declared World’s Largest Gender-Neutral Restroom
Campus activists have long protested the University’s reluctance to provide gender-neutral facilities; however, they noted that allowing students to relieve themselves in the middle of the humongous dome is “probably not the way…
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First Year Likes Resident Head’s Dog a Little Too Much
Amanda and Bubbles — a middle-aged golden retriever — have spent time together, going on walks and chasing squirrels, rabbits, and mailmen. By second week, if Amanda was coming to the end of…
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Top 5 Ways to Brag About Your ACT Score
As clumsy human beings, all of us have tripped over our own feet before. Therefore, it should be no shock when you hit a lamppost or fall over unexpectedly. Ensure that your head…
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Move-in-Day Drama: First Year Embarrassed to Have Parents
“I don’t need them, I’m perfectly sufficient on my own,” Tyler said, while drinking a can of Monster Energy Assault™ and eating dry instant ramen.
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House Movie Night Just Sex Scene from Mulholland Drive
“I like to think that Behar house has always appreciated the highest class of film, and as such, we wanted to pick something that would engage our residents."
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New “germinAte” Startup Empowers Students to Buy & Sell Grades
“This is a good thing for inequality. It’s actually redistributing wealth... We’re like the modern-day Marx and Engels.”
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Rating the Old, White Men I’ve Read in SOSC Based on Their Abilities to Make a Woman Orgasm
"My vagina is not the Leviathan; stop trying to take up the sword against my clitoris. Trust me, that’s not how you do it. "
