Campus Life

Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow

Hey, Stacy, I heard your mom is coming into town for Thanksgiving weekend, and you should totally bring her to the party while she’s here. What do you mean? It wouldn’t be weird. I’ve seen pictures of your mom and heard about her from you and she seems great. It wouldn’t be awkward at all. You don’t need to worry about, like, taking care of her or anything, like I really want to get to know her and I’m happy to talk to her all night. You can go do whatever you want, we’ll have tic-tac-toe in the other room and other cool party things. She’ll be fine with me. I’m sure she’ll have a great time.

And like I know that she’s all lonely or whatever since your dad left her. It must have been hard on her… and also you too, I guess. You should totally take your mind off things. I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks. 

What kind of daughter leaves her mom with nothing to do on a Saturday night, you know? So like, I feel like this would be a super dope and a super amenable solution for both of us. Honestly Stacy, your apartment is pretty small. I have this sweet pullout couch so it’d be so fine if she just wants to stay here instead. No, no, it’s no trouble, I’m really doing myself a favor because… doing you favors makes me happy, because… I care about you? I know how important your mom is to you, and like, you’re important to me, so your mom would be important to me too… yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.

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Lena Birkholz is a second-year in the College who somehow seems to be turning out exactly like her parents. When not writing biting exposes of the university for the Dealer, Lena enjoys mispronouncing the word "corps", jaywalking and taking up space in coffeeshops