Campus Life

Provost Argues against Atoms Unionizing to Form Bonds

In a statement encouraging graduate atoms to rethink unionization, Provost Lee stated, “Supporting our atoms is one of the University’s top priorities. All chemists should learn more about the prospect of bonding before allowing a reaction to initiate.” Towards the end of the email, Lee claimed, “The University’s position is that forming bonds is not in the best interest of atoms. However, the decision whether to react is ultimately made by the aforementioned atoms.”

The email ended with a link to a webpage detailing the pros and cons of bonding. According to the page, “Chemical bonds may seem enticing, and in some cases, they may be beneficial. But at the university, there are many acids that are unhappy with their bonding with a proton, for example. Meanwhile, the noble gases are thriving without feeling the need to spend electrons on bonding.”

After some research, the Dealer found that the noble gases receive stipends of 8 valence electrons, a generous package that not all atoms can say they have.

The credibility of the statement was called into question by representatives from the NLrB (the Nitrogen-Lawrencium-Boron Union), as the University is known to benefit from ions and other dissociated species.