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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
  • Historical Issue

    Five Code Words Your Teen is Using to Talk About Bootlegging

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 28, 2023

    LMAO (Let’s Make Alcohol Outside)

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    How to Block Your Ex on Carrier Pigeon

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 28, 2023

    Shoot the pigeons. This one is pretty self explanatory. Dead birds tell no tales, and shooting a few should send a message to others to stay away.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Cavepeople Enjoying Game of Rock, Rock, Stone

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 27, 2023

    "It would be a vast improvement over the classic children’s game of rock, rock, rock."

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Scientists Finish Figuring Out Which Berries Kill You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 26, 2023

    The scientists who have compiled this list have not publicly revealed their methods, but an inside source claims it was done through a highly advanced scientific process known as “trial and error.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Ye Olde Book Review: The Bible- 7/10, Needs Work

    Andre Dang and 1 more / April 26, 2023

    Ultimately, we found that the story is fairly unrealistic, with a deeply unrelatable protagonist “God” isolating the audience from the other characters, which we ultimately come to know and love.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Top 20 Men In Your Village Who Aren’t Your Brother

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 25, 2023

    #13 will shock and impress you!

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Meet the Local Cow Named Least Likely to Burn Down City

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 25, 2023

    When reached for comment, O’Leary stated that she was “mighty proud of Betsy” and, now that the cow was newly certified not to be fire-prone, would reward her with a toasty gas lamp…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Man Shouts Fire in Crowded Library of Alexandria

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 24, 2023

    Last Thursday, shortly after the sundial struck VIII, a fire reportedly broke out in the geometry section of the Library of Alexandria, where a crowd had gathered to watch famed geometer Eratosthenes Pedantos’…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Jackass Runs 26.2 Miles, Demands Medal

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 23, 2023

    After running this distance and relaying his message, that narcissist Pheidippides reportedly demanded a medallion of pure gold, eyewitnesses reported.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Meet UChicago’s First-Ever Econ Major/Econ Minor

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 22, 2023

    “Employers want marketable skills that they apparently don’t think are taught in our regular econ classes. Like critical thinking.” 

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

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