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Summer Breeze Headliner Revealed to be Jazz Harmonica Legend Artie “Fingy-Wingy” Malone
Major Activities Board President Joan Kindlewood discussed the deliberations which led to selecting this controversial headliner, “We were almost all settled on SZA, but Artie held our treasurer at knife-point.”
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How I Became Wealthy and Successful Using Just the Sigma Grindset and My Parents’ Emerald Mine
By 11.00 am I’ve usually made a profit of around negative 50%. I then call Mommy and Daddy and tell them I love them and I need some more money.
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I’m Not a Bad Person, I’m Just British (And Other Lies We Tell)
And Brad, if you’re reading this, just remember – being British is not your fault, but you should absolutely be blamed for it.
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Powerful! New USG Administration to Spend 130% of Budget on Feeding Self Dinner
“We really deserve this. We work hard. Only $160,000 mysteriously vanished from our budget last year. That’s a new record low!”
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Megan Thee Stallion Donates 45.4 Million Dollars for Hot Girl Stomach Issues Institute at UCMC
This issue has become endemic in the United States due to Congress's firm stance that women do not poop, leaving around 1 in 3 American women to experience hot girl shit in their…
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Six Scrumptious Ways to Make Your HUM Crush Fall in Love with You
Joule, a computer science major, suggests: “Trauma dump during discussion.”
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Dean Boyer Unpeels Like Banana to Reveal Younger, Cooler Dean Boyer
"In my tenure as my own replacement, I will prioritize making the students of the University of Chicago cooler than ever-before-seen in our illustrious history."
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UChicago Dining Releases Book of 300 “Adequate” Chicken Recipes
Head of UChicago Dining, Christopher Toote, lauds the recipes as “technically edible.”
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New Shuttle Route Takes You to a Date with Pete Davidson
The destination is a mystery, but the promise of Pete Davidson should assuage any worry.
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US Government Releases Saved Daylight
This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people).
