Historical Issue

Jackass Runs 26.2 Miles, Demands Medal

ATHENS — Local messenger and noted egomaniac Pheidippides ran 26.2 miles Wednesday to announce the defeat of the Persians in battle. After running this distance and relaying his message, that narcissist Pheidippides reportedly demanded a medallion of pure gold, eyewitnesses reported.

When no such medal was produced, Pheidippides threw a tantrum. “That was a world record time! Where’s my gold medal?” he was heard yelling at various Athenian merchants. “I just ran a marathon! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” Sources say Pheidippides, after being refused a medal, declared himself an Olympian and subsequently demanded a crown of laurels.

“This skinny naked guy just came running, and now he thinks he’s some sort of renowned athlete,” said Miltiades, commander of the Athenian army. “It was kind of hot though.”