How to Block Your Ex on Carrier Pigeon

Have you been receiving carrier pigeons carrying passive-aggressive or emotionally charged messages from someone you’d rather never hear from again? Here are several of our favorite ways you can prevent your ex from sending you carrier pigeons:

1. Shoot the pigeons. This one is pretty self explanatory. Dead birds tell no tales, and shooting a few should send a message to others to stay away. This method is pretty easy and low-cost — slingshots are available at your local hardware store — but not 100% fool-proof, as pigeons can still deliver messages before being shot and your accuracy probably isn’t good enough.
2. Shoot your ex. This one is also pretty self explanatory. A dead ex can’t deliver messages either. This one is a little more difficult than the first and a little less legal, but a lot more effective.
3. Move. Despite the wishes of Mark Cluckerberg, inventor of Carrier Pigeon, pigeons do not contain a comprehensive, real-time list of everyone’s address (as far as YOU know). You can dodge them simply by living somewhere else instead. Simply walk the hundred miles to the next town over and get on with your life! This may result in somebody else receiving those messages from your ex, but, hey, at least it’s not your problem anymore.