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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Gifts Chilean Government With Giant Wooden Horse as Token of Friendship

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 8, 2024

    This past Monday, the University of Chicago gifted the nation of Chile a token of friendship and goodwill, a giant wooden horse. The so-called “Friedman-Becker Memorial Horse of Democracy and Free Trade” will…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 7, 2024

    UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Cardboard Cutouts to Replace Contestants in New, Alternative Beauty Pageant

    Andrea Zhou / April 7, 2024

    Visionary Mark Knockoff has recently invented the newest, hottest form of beauty pageants: Cardboard Pageants. The new pageant is designed to challenge traditional notions of beauty, like the norm around not being made…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Report: Human Nature Primarily Driven by Love, Not Fear

    Andrea Zhou / April 6, 2024

    A recent study published by Dr. Sarah Whippoor has reached a fascinating conclusion: the human soul is controlled by love rather than fear.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Op-Ed From Dean Hale: UChicago Launches Study Abroad Program in I-House

    Philip Yanakov / April 6, 2024

    I, Dean Hale, have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure to announce UChicago will offer a study abroad program at…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Medieval Studies Major Catches Bubonic Plague for Research Purposes

    Alasdair Greenland / April 5, 2024

    Third year Thomas Horthenby, a Medieval Studies major, has decided to catch the bubonic plague in order to “know more about what it was really like to live in the Middle Ages.”

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Hallowed Grounds Shift Composed of 2 People to Stand There and 1 Person to Work

    Justin Bilenker / April 5, 2024

    A scathing report from the Maroon recently revealed that 66% of Hallowed Grounds’ finances are dedicated to people that “don’t do much."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dealer Investigates: Harper Elevator Actually Works, “Out-of-Order” Sign Revealed to be Performance Art

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 4, 2024

    An investigation recently conducted by both the Dealer and seven TAPS majors concluded that the east tower elevator in Harper actually works, and the “Out of Order” sign outside is an elaborate piece…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dispelling Fears about Age, Joe Biden Kills Moose with Bare Hands

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 4, 2024

    WASHINGTON– President Joe Biden has put to rest any doubts about his fitness to serve by killing a moose, with his bare hands on the White House front lawn.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Confused First-Year Found Doing Work in Coffee Shop

    Justin Bilenker / April 3, 2024

    Several upperclassmen were shocked to witness a visibly confused first-year doing schoolwork in Hallowed Grounds.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

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  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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