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Op-Ed | Deep State Responsible for Broken Crerar Sensors and Not Me
The Deep State agenda, which takes specific interest in UChicago (why do you think UCPD is so big?), is trying to silence me from accessing Crerar.
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Balloon Triggers South Fire Alarm; Officials Raise Concerns About Chinese Involvement
In the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, November 3, students living in Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons evacuated the building due to a fire alarm.
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For Years, Campus Squirrels Have Circumvented Meal Swipes: “It’s Time to Make Them Pay”
Recent reporting outside Bartlett Dining Commons reveals a devastating amount of lost earnings due to the unlawful consumption of dining hall food by squirrels on campus.
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BREAKING: Jill Stein Wins
In a startling upset, The Chicago Shady Dealer has called the 2024 Presidential Election for Green Party candidate Jill Stein.
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UChiVotes Ambassadors Beg Anyone, “Literally Anyone,” to Register to Vote
Recent tactics to encourage voting from UChiVotes include cornering first-year students until they check their voting location, borrowing UCPD riot gear to force people into the Reynolds Club during early voting, and switching…
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Trump Pledges Political Foes Will Only Be “Lightly Tortured” in Second Term
“So we’re going to torture people a little, really it’s not so bad, waterboarding or cigarettes or with the electrodes, things of that nature, you have–who do you have–Sleepy Joe, remember him? Lightly…
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South to Install New “Vibe-Based” Fire Alarms
After two recent false alarms, Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons will be replacing all current motion-based fire alarms with new “vibe-based” models.
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UChicago to Pay All Employees in Maroon Dollars
In an attempt to reduce costs, the University of Chicago has taken a page from George Pullman’s book and will pay all faculty in Maroon dollars.
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Kamala Harris Fights Fire with Fire; Works at a Wendy’s
Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz, the token white guy of the campaign and grill master of the day, also made burgers, commenting, “At least I don’t use charcoal. Jeez Louise, let’s Pop…
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Harris and Trump Unveil Matching Tattoos in Show of Bipartisanship
In a dramatic display of national unity and bipartisanship, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump announced on Monday that they had gotten matching tattoos.
