Chicago Shady Dealer

Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count

Members of Midwave Radio, UChicago’s foremost online radio broadcast club, were shocked this week when their analytics reported a seemingly impossible fact. According to Midwave’s online listener count, less than 4 people were listening to the programming.

“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our shows.”

Speculation abounds as to what Midwave’s negative listener count could mean. Some have theorized that certain programs cause listeners to permanently lose their hearing, leading to a negative listener count. Others have argued that the force of the college radio station’s concentrated indie narcissism was great enough to rip a hole in the fabric of reality.

“I thought maybe no one was listening to my show, but it now seems like a bunch of people are actively not listening to it as well, ” said Midwave radio host, Josh Blackburn. Blackburn currently hosts the Midwave interview show Are You My Mother?, in each episode of which he calls his girlfriend and demands to know why she doesn’t love him more.

In the interest of public safety, the Dealer has drawn up a list of Midwave radio shows which have experienced this phenomenon. The Dealer strongly recommends members of the public refrain from listening to these programs – not that you were ever going to anyway:

Affected programs

Big Shirt Small Pants, Small Pants Big Shirt

Children of Lawyers

Pinochio’s Penis

Cigarettes After SOSC

Wait, Wait, Why Are You Holding That? The NPR News Quiz

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Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal

[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]