Campus Life

Dining Halls Offer Water Only As of Winter

After weeks of deliberation, the University of Chicago administration has made a big decision: as of Winter Quarter of 2024, dining halls will not offer any other drink option besides water. This includes—but is not limited to—eliminating soda, lemonade, tea, and soup. 

The spokesperson for this committee asserted that “a healthy amount of hydrogen and oxygen atoms will enter the student’s stomach instead of the sugar they inhale all the time.” She asked us to “imagine all the trashy options with cavity-inducing chemicals… gone. And replaced with the healthiest option: water.” 

Last Monday, dozens of giant trucks pulled up to various dining halls on campus and unloaded several thousand gallons of water. The amount of water was so great that workers had to be hired off the streets in order to finish carrying all of the jugs into the kitchens and storage rooms. 

Students have expressed their utter dismay at this new change.

“I’m in love with my dentist!” one tear-ridden student exclaimed. “If I don’t have access to unlimited Gatorade, how else would I find an excuse to keep coming back to his office?”

The administration stands firm with this replacement, however.

“If all goes well,” the spokesperson added at the end of the interview, “we’ll replace all the food with salad.”

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Andrea Zhou — a self-proclaimed hot chocolate fanatic — is one of our beloved staff writers as well as a deputy copy editor. She has written and edited a number of articles for The Shady Dealer, and aspires to finish college with over a hundred articles under her name.