Op-Ed From Dean Hale: UChicago Launches Study Abroad Program in I-House

Alright you rapscallions. I get that an occasional joke at another’s expense can be funny, but the Shady Dealer’s recent article, “Dean Hale’s Aims of Education Speech Found to Be a Sedative More Powerful than Nyquil,” is frankly where I draw the line.

Since the undergraduate student body clearly seems to be lacking cultural refinement, I have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure to announce UChicago will offer a study abroad program at the International House to commence this Spring.

Even better: the instructors of the program will be my precious little I-House students. How did I manage to convince them? It’s simple supply and demand really: it’s remarkable how motivated students can be when I say that their Maroon Dollars are being cut off. Anyways, here are some of the courses you can expect to see on offer:

SOSC 11401: An introduction to chain-smoking 

SPAN 20300: ******** and other words to avoid around your abuelita

HIST 13300: Barilla vs De Cecco: the other 100 Years War

Bear in mind that at UChicago, we take our Study Abroad programs very seriously and believe rigorous cultural integration is paramount. This is why I have personally overseen the adoption of several measures that will make escape from I-House very, very difficult. Any attempts at “prison break” will be met with stiff opposition by the polar bear population now residing along the Midway, and my plague rats are just as indiscriminate.

While there is a true breadth of intellectual opportunities at I-House to look forward to, all attending students will be expected to take a writing seminar on the subject of “The merits of our Glorious Leader Dean Hale”, so I suggest you start brainstorming ideas soon.

Ex UChicago ad Imperium,

Dean Hale