Major Activities Board President Joan Kindlewood discussed the deliberations which led to selecting this controversial headliner, “We were almost all settled on SZA, but Artie held our treasurer at knife-point.”

“We really deserve this. We work hard. Only $160,000 mysteriously vanished from our budget last year. That’s a new record low!”

Joule, a computer science major, suggests: “Trauma dump during discussion.”

"In my tenure as my own replacement, I will prioritize making the students of the University of Chicago cooler than ever-before-seen in our illustrious history."

Head of UChicago Dining, Christopher Toote, lauds the recipes as “technically edible.”

The destination is a mystery, but the promise of Pete Davidson should assuage any worry. 

“The party was kind of disappointing,” said first-year Shel Terdkid, “but the smoky notes in the caramelized sugar will stick with me forever. ”

Rob your nearest thrift store to provide bright clothing for the pedestrians.

While cleaning out the couch in its house lounge Thursday, residents of Markovitz House were shocked to discover an object lodged between its cushions: a second, much-nicer couch.

Say, “Yeah Marx actually said that capitalism has torn the family apart. I guess I can relate to that,” and look over semi-wistfully.