“This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”

This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.

Reports have also shown her soliciting 6’8” tall men for “uppies.”

Boyer cited the hundreds of dollars worth of chemicals and the impetus for the university’s decision to finally axe the sequence.

“We were already going to cause awful lunch backups with the Bartlett closure. How much worse could it get?”

Sanderson also shocked attendees by taking home the grand prize of the Cosplay competition.

Three years ago today, admin sent an email entitled “Perspective for Difficult Times” into the university community’s inbox. Granted unprecedented access, we spoke to the people involved in creating the infamous email on…

Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a “state of the art automated weaponry system” installed at the building’s front…

Students studying for their midterms did not look up when warned “there’s a nuclear reactor,” only speaking up to respond that Harper Memorial Library is a no-talking zone, and would you please kindly…

A follow-up announcement clarified that students would be expected to move out within one hour of their last final to avoid a $5000 fine and a one-point deduction to their GPA.