Close your eyes and count to ten Whether you see, “A comment has been made on your submission,” or, “Assignment Graded: Pset 4 Gradarius,” flash on your phone, it’s best to approach it…

Fourth-years bear higher risk of senioritis than others, though it is not uncommon to see second- and third-years experiencing similar symptoms. First-years are the least susceptible, but even they can be infected, especially…

“Any therapeutic benefits derived from scratching his fluffy ears, rubbing his adorable tummy, or kissing his little brown nose are wholly and entirely coincidental.” 

“Employers want marketable skills that they apparently don’t think are taught in our regular econ classes. Like critical thinking.” 

Major Activities Board President Joan Kindlewood discussed the deliberations which led to selecting this controversial headliner, “We were almost all settled on SZA, but Artie held our treasurer at knife-point.”

“We really deserve this. We work hard. Only $160,000 mysteriously vanished from our budget last year. That’s a new record low!”

Joule, a computer science major, suggests: “Trauma dump during discussion.”

"In my tenure as my own replacement, I will prioritize making the students of the University of Chicago cooler than ever-before-seen in our illustrious history."

Head of UChicago Dining, Christopher Toote, lauds the recipes as “technically edible.”

The destination is a mystery, but the promise of Pete Davidson should assuage any worry.