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Oops! My SOSC Essay Accidentally Started 100 Years of Religious Conflict
WITTENBURG 1540 – I knew I made a mistake by taking Classics for SOSC. Everyone always told me “Martin, just take Mind, it’s by far the easiest and you can seem cool by…
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Prohibition is the Moral Cause of Our Time
By Concerned Citizen Alphonse Capone Hello, my name is Alphonse Capone, a humble Chicago resident and humble laundromat owner, definitely not up to any illicit activities. I merely write as a concerned capo…
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Why Did They Do That Which They Did? Interviews with History’s Notorious Change Makers
We all know that a few seminal figures changed the course of history forever with their bold ideas and actions. Legendary people like: Jesus. Pasteur. Hitler. But, no one really knows why they…
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How to Closed-Mouth Smile at Your Bar Night Hook-Up
We’ve all been there: you wake up on a Thursday morning to find yourself next to the Econ Bro who let you take a rip off of his Juul at Alpha Delt the…
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Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell
At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving…
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Why the University of Chicago Should Divest from my Ex-Girlfriend
The University of Chicago is one of the most respected universities in the world, both as a college and research institution, and this respect creates a certain amount of responsibility, especially in regards…
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I Thoroughly Enjoyed Thanksgiving with My Family
I had a great time in upstate New York with a few of my relatives this Turkey Day. Before dinner even started, Mom was already pretty upset because my seventeen-year-old brother, Kyle, told…
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Citizens Worried Proposed Single Payer System Will Force Them to Change Leech Provider
Washington, D.C., 1860 Citizens across the country have expressed concern that a proposed single-payer healthcare system would limit their choice of which breeder supplies their medical leeches. The proposed reforms, informally dubbed LeechCare,…
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Boyer Heartbroken Over Death of His Tamagotchi
Chicago, 1997 In breaking news, the Shady Dealer is sorry to report the death of Dean Boyer’s Tamagotchi Habsburg, also known as “Habsy”. Habsy was in the “Teen” stage of the Tamagotchi Life…
