-
Hallowed Grounds Consecrated by Holy See
Regulars of Hallowed Grounds, the fourth most popular coffee shop in Reynolds Club, were surprised last Sunday to see the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, his Holiness Pope Francis I, enter…
-
Five Things You Forgot Need Spring Cleaning
The 10 day forecast might look like the man upstairs is playing tricks on us, but according to my inner senses (as informed by the Gregorian calendar), it is in fact spring. Yay.…
-
5 Takeaways from Oscar the Grouch’s New Album: When I Get Home, to My Trash Can
In true chaos-Muppet fashion, Oscar the Grouch revealed only a small handful of clues about his new album, When I Get Home, to My Trash Can, ahead of its arrival yesterday in the dead…
-
University Indicts Itself in College Admissions Scandal, Insists It’s Desirable Enough For People to Pay to Get Into
In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on…
-
Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden
Ahead of announcing this year’s Summer Breeze lineup, MAB has revealed that Dean Boyer’s Seals and Crofts cover band will be headlining the beer garden, exclusively playing their hit “Summer Breeze” on repeat…
-
Shady Classifieds: Cobb Cafe
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed…
-
Admissions Allows Fraternities to Host for April Overnights
In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy,…
-
Survey Reveals Frats Suck Because They’re All Scorpios
A recent survey of University of Chicago Greek life has revealed that every single fraternity brother since 1920 was born under the astrological sign of Scorpio, and is therefore a totally irredeemable trash…
-
FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs
Long recommended by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a fuel for one’s morning and a buffer from coffee acidity, breakfast is a very important meal. However, according to new research, the…
-
“We Need Communism” Says Econ Bro After Being Forced to Watch 3 Consecutive YouTube Ads
It was a dark Friday night, and Zakry Gaylord Beta, a second-year Economics major, had just returned home after a long, arduous day of solving Lagrangians. Naturally, he was tired, so he did…
