Chicago Shady Dealer

“It’s Not Easy Being a Horse,” Says Horse

A lot of people have this romantic image of a horse’s life. Well, I can tell you it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Want to know why? Rainbows don’t exist and unicorns are uppity jerks. Also, you humans suck!

First and foremost, humans treat us as though we have underdeveloped palates. Hay this, hay that. Maybe I want some spaghetti, ever considered that? Okay, right now I want some hay, but that’s just because I was just talking about hay! When apples are concerned, we can easily discern between the varieties people feed us, and we judge the fate of those people according to their choices. If you give us Honeycrisp, Granny Smith, Gala, Golden Delicious, Braeburn, Cortland, Jonagold, or Fuji apples, we will try not bite off one of your fingers. (Honestly, fingers look really similar to carrots, so mistakes happen. Also, fun fact, fingers and carrots taste pretty much the same.) But give us Red Delicious apples and we’ll bite off (at the very least) your entire arm. And if you deign to walk within ten miles of us with a paltry and pretentious Knobbed Russet, we will find you. Let’s just say you will have a hoof mark on your forehead for the rest of your life. That is, if you live to tell the tale. When carrots are concerned, we will eat any variety. Why? Because I said so, jackass!

Second, carrot and apple equal good (Considering the differentiations made above), and other fruit and vegetables equal bad. Please do not try to be unique with a plum or bit of asparagus. We will just whinny at you. Which, for those not well versed in horse language, is equivalent to a thorough shaming.

Third, with the advent of the car, most of us believed that horse labor would become obsolete, no longer necessary for transportation, working the fields, or anything else. At least, that’s what we neighvely thought would happen! But no, you lunatics are still riding us, finding every possible way to keep horses constantly employed. Have you ever seen horses milling about in the street, shooting the breeze with one another? That’s what I thought!

Fourth, quit it with the “whoa there horseys.” That was not funny the first time someone said it, and Julius Caesar was a pretty hilarious dude. 

Finally, I have dreams. All horses have dreams. What I want from life is simple! I want to eat carrots in Rome, sample the apples in Tokyo, and be the first horse to sail around the world! Is that too much to ask?


  • Juli Hinds

    Loved this, and I don’t even like horses. I think they hate me back. The Caesar mention was fun, in fact the whole essay is great, particularly since horses don’t have opposable thumbs. So, why funny? Because it came strait from you know whose mouth!

  • Candye Andrus

    Ill never say Whoa little horsey again. You obviously know your horses well. How would one feel about a new Cosmic Crisp?