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My Student Government Platform? More Hammocks
Spring quarter can be a stressful time for everyone. Some people are saying their goodbyes to this campus as they prepare to enter the real world, others cling to Hyde Park as they…
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Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends
With the campus no longer awash in eager and precocious high schoolers, Dean Nondorf is returning to cryogenic slumber until the next admissions cycle resumes. Shane Zimmer, Robert Zimmer’s secret bastard child and…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
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Analyst Who Predicted Eight of the Last Ten Plagues Predicts Another
Ahmenhatek VIII, a diviner and analyst from north of Memphis, is renowned across the kingdom for accurately predicting eight of the last ten plagues. His 2500 B.C. papyrus entitled “Buy Gold Before the…
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Get Ripped Like A Hill Tribesman: Follow This New Workout and Diet Plan to Lose That Valley Dweller Flab
Tired of looking like a less-than-great ape? Sick of falling behind on hunts? Feel like a loser while watching those hill tribesmen get laid at the solstice celebration? Diet: It’s easy to let…
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Point/Counterpoint: The Invention of Calculus
Gottfried Leibniz Did Not Read Doing Honest Work in College By Isaac Newton Gottfried Leibniz is a lying plagiarist. I spent twenty freaking years toiling over my books and deriving mathematical equations, and…
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My Love Life Was A Lot Better Before Glasses Were Invented
MILAN, ITALY – Fuck you, Niccolo Alfonso. You came walking down the streets of Milan just a few years ago flexing your new invention. “Look, you all can finally see clearly, even far…
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Virgin Amoeba Threatened by Larger, More Handsome Chad Amoeba
PROTEROZOIC ERA – Grumbling that he’s never getting any action, a local single-cell microorganism amoeba was feeling threatened by the floating nearby larger, more handsome “Chad” amoeba. “What’s a guy gotta do to reproduce…
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Advertisement: We Are Starting a Newspaper and It is Going to Be Great!
UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO – It is high time that our beloved University of Chicago had a school newspaper. With this sentiment in mind, we are excited to announce the launch of the Chicago…
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If Your Relationship Can Survive Smallpox, It Can Survive Anything
We live in turbulent times. Monarchies fall, colonies talk of rebelling, and friends get transported to Australia for jaywalking. In these troubling days, couldn’t we all use a relationship we know we can…
