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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    You Got Us: Here are Other Maroon Articles We Released Without People Knowing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 26, 2021

    Yes, we used a psychic to predict The Maroon’s COVID-19 retrospective so that we could publish its headlines first. But did you know we've done that a lot over the years? Here are…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How Covid and the Summer’s Racial Reckoning Impacted the Way I, Your Friendly Neighborhood Econ Frat Bro, Live My Life and View the World

    Your Friendly Neighborhood Econ Frat Bro / February 25, 2021

    Staffers at Bon Appétit, a food and lifestyle magazine for people who spend more than $50 dollars on a single jar of cinnamon, suddenly left the magazine because of race stuff, and they…

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Rock Salt Flavor Retrospective: Hyde Park, Winter 2020-2021

    Ian Olson / February 24, 2021

    A note on methodology: in our blind testing, sampling teams tasted salts found on streets and sidewalks alike.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Exclusive: Top Brass Dispels Rumors of SSA/Crown Remilitarization

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 22, 2021

    Lieutenant Commander Zimmer denies that the school has become complicit in hyper-militarism, stating that the Main Quadrangle’s helipad has been there all along, and that anyone who disagrees will be dishonorably discharged.

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  • COVID Special Issue

    Bummed about a Pandemic Breakup? It May Be an Opportunity for Growth

    Michael Taylor / February 19, 2021

    For better or for worse, human relationships have been altered by the COVID-19 pandemic. While some people’s relationships are accelerating as social circles become more limited, others are experiencing a more difficult shift…

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  • COVID Special Issue

    Friendship During COVID–19 Requires Communication and Consent

    Travis Blackley / February 19, 2021

    You may or may not have heard of this dude named Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who, according to Wikipedia, “was a Genevan philosopher, writer, and composer.” I certainly hadn’t until I took SOSC while microdosing…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Applying to college is stressful in the best of times, but for UChicago’s Class of 2025, the ongoing coronavirus pandemic added an additional level of stress to the process. The Dealer sat down…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    The Talker Versus the Texter

    Chicago Thinker / February 19, 2021

    As the pandemic developed and we settled into remote living for the long haul, social life at UChicago changed significantly. Pretty quickly into the pandemic, two competing social structures had emerged: the Talkers…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    During Year of Coronavirus, Local Businesses Forced to Adapt

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    Small businesses face a landscape forever altered as the first wave of economic disruption from the pandemic settles. To get a sense of how this is impacting our local businesses, the Dealer talked…

    read more
  • COVID Special Issue

    $100 Million and a Million Tests: How The NFL Played Throughout a Pandemic

    Chicago Shady Dealer / February 19, 2021

    The NFL spent an exorbitant amount of time and money to hold in-person activities and games in the months leading up to the season, culminating in the super bowl. If something as meaningless…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Point: Let Women Vote/ Counterpoint: What’s Next, Letting Women Tie Me to a Billiard Table and Pour Mercury on My Genitals?
  • Karl Marx Mistaken for Marx Brother, to Star in Duck Soup
  • God Gets Abraham Real Good for April Fool’s Day
  • In Lieu of My Thesis, Would You Like a Bunch of Random Whale Facts?
  • de’ Medici Family Plans New Restaurant Venture in “Hyde Park, Chicago”
  • Four startups and products that are guaranteed to fail
  • Point: Maybe you need to feed the people? Counterpoint: But what about my golden rotating statue?
  • Top 5 Yummy Political Leaders to Consume
  • Mourning The Molassacre
  • Ten Tips For A Tremendous Triumphant Assasination

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