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Deal of the Century! “Functional Government” Listed on Black Friday Sale for $54.99
The item’s listing claims the product possesses “24 gallons of integrity,” comes in beige, white, and "multicultural," and is covered by an 18-month warranty.
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Join Singe
Dearest UChicago student, are you feeling single this Valentine’s Day? Well, never fear. We are here to help. Toss out Tinder and Hinge, and join Big Tech’s newest brainchild: Singe, the college dating…
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Wet Socks Make Students More Productive, Says Designer of the Sidewalk Outside Cobb Hall
The underground reservoir also channels a significant amount of toxic gas into Cobb Café. The water that pools in front of Cobb Hall forms a secret elixir, which once deposited on socks creates…
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Trans Fats Banned a Second Time for Being Woke
In a Truth Social post, President Trump wrote, “The HHS, under the direction of my friend BEAUTIFUL BOBBY, is removing the WOKE Trans Fats from the Diet of our Country. The Democrats wanted…
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The Campus Printer Decides My Essay Is Simply Not Meant to Be
Relationships are based on mutual respect, consistency, and support. For two years, I thought we had that. But last night, when I needed him the most, the campus printer made it clear that…
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Alivisatos to Demolish the “bad parts” of Harper Library for a square-dancing arena
Alivisatos added that the remaining two floors of the building will be suspended from six cranes spaced strategically around Harper Quadrangle. To get to the upper floors, students will need to use a…
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University installs large trapdoor in the Reg that swallows students, Tuition still Rising
What is in the deep, dark abyss?? No one really knows or cares.
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Professor Who Takes Ten Weeks to Grade Papers Shocked by Late Assignment
“Deadlines are sacred,” said Stenton, who has not yet graded the assignments submitted during the Carter administration – the first one. “They teach students discipline, something many of them clearly lack.”
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Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip”
“That wasn’t a performance review? I thought I was selecting ‘no tip’ as in ‘no tips needed,’ you were fabulous!”
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Study Reveals 90% of Group Project Work Done by One Sad Student
“I knew it!” said third-year student Audrey Smith. Her group member, Brian, was unavailable for comment because he was busy playing Brawl Stars.
