Chicago Shady Dealer

Point: 2020 Will be the Worst Year Ever. Counterpoint: 5781 Will be the Worst Year Ever.

Point: 2020 Will be the Worst Year Ever

Written by Bernard Sanders

 

The COVID-19 Pandemic. The 2020 Presidential Election. Increased and hyper-visible police brutality. Climate change. Fires, floods, droughts, political unrest. This past year has challenged our nation and the world as a whole in ways unmatched in all of history. I personally put my faith in the American public, putting my name in the hat early on in this electoral cycle, only to be betrayed through practices of fearmongering about “socialism” and the influences of my fellow candidates. Let me be clear: I had the solutions, America. 2020 Could have been a horror story with a happy ending, and instead, California now looks apocalyptic. 

 

Counterpoint: 5781 Will be the Worst Year Ever

Written by Rabbi Yossi Brackman, Director of Rohr Chabad at the University of Chicago

 

I have come to the consensus that 5781, not 5780 will be the worst year ever. The Jewish people has managed to persevere for millennia against each and every conflict in our way. We remember captivity in Egypt, Babylon, and Europe as if it all happened yesterday, and even those times when we had to keep rebuilding the Pyramids of Giza since the engineering calculations were always just ~a tad~ off were better than what is to come. I regret to inform you all, it seems we have grossly under-calculated the number of students who are willing to fast for an entire day in order to get some lox in their systems, and so there are no guarantees as to whether or not we will be social distancing this Sunday. If we are unable to provide lox to the masses, I fear this campus could be ground zero for another COVID-19 outbreak-or worse-a university more divided than during the annual hamantaschen-latke debate! 

How can this be worse than the thousands of lives lost to a pandemic, increased climate change, civil unrest, and what seems to be a fraudulent election? Well, I’ll be honest here, do you think any of these things are going to vanish when He closes the book this weekend? No, of course not. Pairing this untimely event with the inherent radioactivity from MENG and Physics students coming and leaving labs at every hour and the inherent dictatorial tendencies of this student body, we could all be in for a nuclear apocalypse. I feel assured that the worst is yet to come. 

 

G’mar Chatima Tovah!

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