Following the University’s suspension of Milkshake Wednesday over social distancing concerns, the administration has begun using Hutchinson Commons as a center for new, rectal COVID-19 diagnostic tests.
“After Week 1, we were kinda short on Q-tips,” explained Dr. B.M. Johnson of UChicago Medicine. “I started assigning eight students to a nasal swab, but Zimmer found out, so now we gotta test ‘em fecally — this shit’s off the record, right?” Following Dr. Johnson’s firing, hazmat-clad administrators were seen making grad students carry truckloads of Charmin Ultra-Rough, Half-Ply, Quarter-Price toilet paper into the Reynolds Club.
Last Friday, the entire student body stood (six feet apart, of course) in a line beginning somewhere near the South Loop. Once inside Hutch, students masked up (not just for COVID) and squatted over “Life of the Hind™”-branded buckets, several of them holding up laptops to attend Zoom classes. “The biggest issue so far has been the complaining,” one assistant told us. “Even after we put curtains in, it hasn’t stopped. I don’t get it.” Apparently, none of the students bothered to tell him that sheer curtains are not much help.
In addition, the process has been hampered by numerous thefts of the school’s fragrance supply. “Mediocre milkshakes got me through the week, man,” said third-year Anita Whiff, clutching a gallon of Febreze in her left hand. “When they took ‘em away, I had to go to the hard stuff.” With that, she sprayed the chemical into her red, glassy-eyed face and inhaled deeply. “I would’ve done coffee, but Ex Lib’s on hiatus, so it’ll have to be this and paint.”
Given that the debut of this scheme has been an absolute shit sh— sorry, mess — administrators are looking into cutting out the middleman and just testing the Bartlett meat directly.