Chicago Shady Dealer

Introducing UChicago’s Thoughts and Prayers Network, By and For Enlightened Centrists

UChicago Mutual Aid has recently come under fire for using alleged leftist imagery and leftist concepts like “mutual aid.” I was shocked and appalled when I heard about this. My sister’s neighbor’s dog’s groomer is from the former USSR! And if there’s one thing I learned from my unbiased post-Cold War charter school history classes, it’s that communism is BAD! Arguably just as bad or even worse than fascism! Communism means no iPhone and therefore no mutual aid. Checkmate, leftists. Nonetheless, their ring of Antifa agitators continues in their evildoing. I even heard that they are sending operatives to people’s houses to feed people’s cats and probably give them feline Marxist literature. 

When I made several, long, UChicago Secrets posts expressing these concerns, a leftist radical extremist had the audacity to suggest that if I don’t like UCMA as it is, that I make my own! As if my several Instagram stories and complaints with no path to resolution weren’t enough political action, I decided I had to make my own group for aid.

That is why several other centrists and I will be unveiling UChicago Thoughts and Prayers Network. As a centrist, I like feeling involved but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and I DEFINITELY don’t want to get up off my ass to help people. With those struggles in mind, Thoughts and Prayers Network will allow students to post about their struggles and receive tens of “care” reactions from members of our community. Students are also welcome to post resources for regularly priced food items and the address for the University medical center’s billing department for non-divisive help in trying times. We want to be there for our other students, you know, without suggesting radical ideas like “people should eat” and “people should have healthcare,” that may exclude campus conservatives. We want everyone to feel welcome, so long as they’re university-affiliated and not one of those nasty scammers who needs “food” and “diapers for their ‘children’,” if they even exist. 

The logo for Thoughts and Prayers Network will depict a glass of whole milk and a slice of buttered toast, which is agreeable to everyone. No latent symbolism, no meaning, just flavorless white comfort. Coming October 2020, UChicago Thoughts and Prayers Network will be there to see you and hear you, but not do anything beyond that.

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