Chicago Shady Dealer

Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion

When first-year student Alex Harrison missed the textbook return deadline at the end of fall quarter, they were “upset, but not really surprised” to see a $7 billion dollar fee charged to their account with the Bursar’s office. Harrison announced they would be spending several years in voluntary exile to atone for their mistakes, followed by several millennia in a factory in order to pay off their debt. In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations. The textbook in question was Physics for Scientists and Engineers with Modern Physics, which had not been opened all quarter.

A Barnes & Noble representative who spoke to the Dealer said the bookstore was ecstatic about the profits they’d be making. When asked why the fee was so high, they replied, “We want to provide a reasonable incentive to return books on time.” The bookstore plans to use the money to raise wages for their staff from $15.00 an hour to $15.50 an hour.

Recognizing Harrison’s difficult financial situation, the University has allowed their Maroon Dollar allowance for the rest of their time at UChicago to be put towards paying the fee, reducing their debt to $6,999,998,900.